Body + Soul - How to know when to walk away from a sexless marriage
“I think that definitely going through periods of not much sex is very common,” relationship and intimacy coach Susie Kim tells Body+Soul. “I think that’s just so normal for so many different reasons.”
But what constitutes “not much”? And what does it mean to be in a sexless marriage?
“I think it’s kind of dependent on the couple to be honest,” explains Kim. “It’s sort of what you consider to be sexless depending on your appetite.
The expert says she’s had couples who’ve gone years without doing the deed, while other couples who identify as sexless get freaky just a few times a year.”
Before we get down to the do-I-stay-or-do-I-go question, it’s important to first consider the why. Why aren’t you and your significant other still getting acquainted under the sheets?
“Is there a physiological issue? Is there a medical issue? Is there a mental health issue? Is there a libido issue?” asks Kim. “Is it a stage of life or a season of life type of issue, with really external pressures. Like has someone died in the family or maybe you’re going through early parenthood or someone’s going through a really stressful time at work.
So before jumping the gun and calling it quits, Kim says there are a whole load of reasons to consider before walking away from a sexless marriage.
Including whether your lack of sex life “reflects a deeper emotional mismatch or a deeper sexual mismatch”. And then how important sexual intimacy is to you.
“If you have that mismatch, is there some other way that as a relationship you’re still creating some sense of closeness and connection and creativity?” asks Kim. “Because while sex can be one component of a really healthy, flourishing relationship and it can be a very important one to many, you can also get some of those same needs met in other ways and people can make that work very well as well.”
For example, Kim’s had clients who run a business together and she says that “fulfills a lot of needs and that’s very exciting for them”.
“Then there’ll be couples who travel and do cruises together and maybe they’re not having sex but they’re having a lot of fun,” she says. “So it’s like, is there some other way that you’re getting filled and connecting in some other intimate way, that’s not sex, that’s meaningful to you?”
But then there’s the other side to sexless relationships when both physical intimacy and emotional connection have left the bedroom. As well as your partner when sleeping in separate rooms becomes the norm.
“Maybe a sexless marriage is the result of earlier relationship issues or a lack of proper communication that’s just built up and up,” suggests Kim. “And there’s a build-up of resentment and unaddressed dynamics and unaddressed issues which has led to this divide and this discourse.”
In that case, you need to consider whether they’re things that can be worked on. And whether you’re both willing to completely unpack all of your unprocessed emotional history in your relationship.
“That’s going to require some hard work and some willingness to go through some very difficult emotional terrain, like everything you’ve maybe been ignoring in your relationship,” the intimacy coach says. “And the reality of that is that some people are willing to do that, and some people just are not.”